No. 2



Ella, whenever I meet a person who truly isn’t anxious, it’s like seeing someone with a handlebar moustache. Like, really?

Dear Bella,

Once a cheat, always a cheat?? Or can people (men) change????

Being cheated on sux. I mean, I have friends who have been cheated on, and they look like extras from Titanic in that scene where they’re just floating to death alongside the egg and cress sandwiches. They whimper into their 2012 Tumblr page and half-audibly describe how Lance Armstrong and Rachel Dolezal also betrayed the world. And it goes on for fucking forever. And then two more months. But then they slowly reincarnate themselves into the blackout drunks that they were fated to be and we all move on. The healing process is beautiful!

In terms of your question, I think it’s good to think about your heart like a small business. If you went bankrupt at the hands of a badly styled 25-year-old who brings guitars to house parties, would you ever let it happen again? I’d hope not. That would be a kind of embarrassing thing to happen to your hypothetical bagel store. So my advice is that if they cheat, cut them out, and then just have sex with them in a casual yet crushing way for about 4 months, give or take. And then block them for GOOD!

I feel for you if you’ve been cheated on, and I really don’t know how I would cope if my boyfriend ever found out what I did when he was in Lancaster for work those two times. Godspeed!

Dear Bella, I think I’m gaining weight in quarantine and it’s freaking me out, but I can’t stop comfort eating because I’m so BORED. Should I panic?? Should I love my new self?

Do you remember that show You Are What You Eat, presented by Gillian McKeith? Gillian was trying to say that we are the sum of everything we eat, and she went on to eat a massive cricket who seemed unwilling to die on I’m A Celeb. And everyone was like: okay, by your logic Gillian, that makes perfect sense and actually says a lot about you. So why don’t you leave us alone and go back to annoying dogs with your cricket friends on Ealing Common?

I can relate to gaining weight. At my 11th birthday party, my mum joked to all my friends that although I was underweight when I was born, I had ‘more than made up for it since’. I adore my mum, but I must admit, I sat in that ceramics cafe, toying on my Matalan dress, and feeling more than a little demoralized.

About 9 years later, a guy said to me on a date that he loved my body because it was ‘sturdy’. I thought ‘well I hope it’s not TOO sturdy to get killed by a car, because clearly my only option now is to die’. But the strange thing is, he meant it as a compliment. And even though it proved my long-standing suspicion that I look more like a giant mobile crane than a woman most of the time, it also proved that giant mobile cranes were his type. So, reader, if you too look like a crane, or a tank, or really anything that looks like it transports construction materials after the lockdown, don’t worry about it.  Just look at your body in the mirror and repeat: ‘this empire was built on iced gems alone. And on iced gems it shall remain built!!!’ Am I the only one who eats iced gems still? Try iced gems again. They’re delightful.

Bella, I’m getting more anxious being stuck in my house the whole time, and meditation doesn’t seem to do anything. How else can I calm the fuck down? Yours, Ella

Ella, whenever I meet a person who truly isn’t anxious, it’s like seeing someone with a handlebar moustache. Like, really? In this economy? I don’t know anything about this economy, except that the economy is linked to society, and in society people with handlebar moustaches definitely have no anxiety. And in my opinion, they could do with a little more. So... maybe you should think of your anxiety as a good thing? While my anxiety tells me that my nose is the real reason I’ll never be in movies, it also stops me from singing Gilbert and Sullivan or owning a penny farthing. People would hate me if I did those things. And if they didn’t hate me, they certainly should.

Think of your anxiety as something that comes from a good place. After all, it doesn’t want you to look like an idiot and you should thank it for that. Just monitor the times when it tells you that you need to count to 1000 if you want your uncle Phil to live.That’s when you know things have got a little out of hand.

Bella Hull is a comedian and writer who lives in London. As a former ugly child, Bella performs her jokes all around the western world in the hopes that people will like her. She is the owner of a siamese cat and one million embarrassing memories.

Got an issue of your own? Ask Bella a question here.