No. 3



I had the ick over someone who had a PhD in Biotechnology, and spent six months getting over someone who wore trousers that could be zipped into shorts and didn’t have a mattress.

Friends, sluts, countrymen. I hope you’ve all had a productive week! I’ve spent it thinking about the people from my past whom I bare inexplicable grudges on, considering forgiveness, and then deciding against it. In light of the recent changes to quarantine law, my routine has changed a lot. Where I used to think about how hideous life was in a dark flat, I now do so in view of a live pigeon slowly defecating on a park bench. Hope is here to stay! Find below some of my thoughts on FaceTime dates, sex and breakups during lockdown. Enjoy!

Dear Bella, I’m having a great time chatting up boys on Hinge. A few have asked me to have a FaceTime date with them, but I don’t know whether to take the plunge as I think it would be awkward! Any advice on how to make them less uncomfortable, or whether they’re even worth doing, would be amazing xox

The only FaceTime date I ever went on was with a boy whose stream of consciousness monologue about his novel could not be quelled. I could have hung myself using only the sash of my bathrobe, or perhaps a novelty length Flexi-ruler, and he probably wouldn’t have flinched.

He would have just continued his description of the main character, who was very beautiful, and looked nothing like me, in case you were fucking wondering.

He also swore a lot, which I liked, until I told him about a recent death in the family, to which he replied, 'It's gonna be okay, bitch’.

FaceTime first dates are different from real-life dates, because there’s no hope that the evening might end with you getting an Uber home at 1:30 am, wondering at what point your life became so completely cavalier. You’re also not in a situation where you can make memories together, meaning that it’s harder to form the bonds you might have formed if you’d sat in his sad bedroom watching Withnail and I instead. Why do all men love that film so much? It’s just two old men in cravats walking around in the rain. I’ve already been to Henley on Thames, thank you very much.

I’m getting carried away. I guess I’d advise avoiding them. If you can’t, then avoid getting into something serious with a person you’ve not met IRL. I’d hate to see you finally meet up with them only to discover that their breath could dissolve your nail polish.

What’s your advice on making sure you don’t just sleep with the first person you date after lockdown, because you’re horny rather than actually like them? I don’t want to go for it and then realise I made a mistake about two seconds after it’s over…

I have experienced this dilemma myself, except ‘after lockdown’ could be replaced with ‘after more than 17 minutes spent alone.’ I don’t have advice. There is no reasoning with the heart. I had the ick over someone who had a PhD in Biotechnology, and spent six months getting over someone who wore trousers that could be zipped into shorts and didn’t have a mattress.

I would suggest having some kind of ‘coffee date’ instead of one that involves alcohol, so that you’re less likely to make rash decisions. Also - props to you for being able to realise your mistakes only two seconds after it’s over. I’m still not sure if breaking up with That Drug Dealer From Just Outside of Tring was the right choice, and that was like, two years ago. If you’re reading this honey, get in touch!

Dear Bella, I’m still talking to this guy I was seeing before lockdown, but have realised he’s completely wrong for me now the sex has been removed. I’m growing to really dread talking to him. How do I end things without hurting his feelings?

Nip it in the bud, and do it now! Too many times have I made this mistake to see one of my own fall by the same sword. I’ve wasted months on men I was desperate to dump, laughing at their puns as if someone was about to walk in and hand them the Mark Twain Prize for Humour, when inside I was growing increasingly drunk with my feelings of ill will. Wow, I’m a bitch!

If you’re a really really nice and thoughtful person, like me, it can be hard to end things. But sparing someone else’s feelings shouldn’t come at the price of making your own life suck. Besides, if you really dislike them, chances are they deserve to be dumped anyway. Another date with them is wasted time that could be spent...I don’t know... voluntarily having a finger removed, or trying to vacuum your brain out of your ear. If you know it’s doomed, end it quickly before you give birth to someone who’s only choice is to be a comedian.

Bella Hull is a comedian and writer who lives in London. As a former ugly child, Bella performs her jokes all around the western world in the hopes that people will like her. She is the owner of a siamese cat and one million embarrassing memories.

Got an issue of your own? Ask Bella a question here.