No. 4



You shouldn’t be disheartened by the saccharine pictures of busyness that people are posting in the time of a global catastrophe. They are as artificially earnest as Khloe Kardashian’s nose.

What are your thoughts on reverting back to old fuck buddies (OFBs) once lockdown is over. Hate to make some bad decisions but my body is screaming for some sex x

I don’t think rekindling things with an OFB is NABT (necessarily a bad thing). But don’t let ideas of a romantic future muddy the waters. For most of my adult life, my bad decisions and my sex life have been as interwoven as a trite wicker basket. Be careful what you sell on your proverbial Etsy store.

Maybe it’s a good idea to source out a brand new stranger as your FWB (friend with benefits) for after the lockdown, just to reduce the risk of them evolving into a LTCWYR (Long-Term Companion Who You Resent, a stage of evolution which Darwin labelled ‘my parents’ marriage’). If this is too much admin, and you’d rather just cut off the problem at its source, I’d recommend looking at their Facebook photos from around 2012. Most men at this time were photographed smiling enthusiastically underneath the tube sign for ‘Wetlands’. That should squash your yearning like roadkill.

Dear Bella

I’m watching far too much TV in lockdown and I can’t stop. All my friends seem to be being so productive and happy - how can I snap out of this funk?!

TV is an OK way to spend your time during this period. At least you’re not the admin on an incel forum or, like, a pageant mum.

You shouldn’t be disheartened by the saccharine pictures of busyness that people are posting in the time of a global catastrophe. They are as artificially earnest as Khloe Kardashian’s nose. Also, those pictures in no way convince me that they’re actually being more productive than someone who surrounds themselves with angsty female protagonists. Why should you believe them? After what they did to Boo?

Also, happiness is by no means always a good thing. My dog is the happiest living thing I’ve ever known. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t cause extreme pain to those around her when she releases one of her asphyxiating farts.

An article in the Guardian recently said that This Country was Dickensian. That was a great moment for me, even though I couldn't help but feel like the entire piece was just an excuse for the author to wheel out the word ‘Dickensian’.

What I'm trying to say is that TV isn’t inherently void of value. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better. The only thing I have exercised daily since this lockdown is my right to watch My Strange Addiction while I lie catatonic in a sea of thermal underwear and regret.

Dear Bella

I had a really shitty break-up a few weeks before lockdown and I’d scheduled an intense time of hoeing so that I could get over it. But since the lockdown I just feel like I’m floating in this awful space of uncertainty. More to the point, he was the best sex I ever had and I have no way of displacing that memory with something else. How can I make myself busy in a way that doesn’t require much energy?

I think tons of people have found themselves frozen in a moment that wasn’t meant to last very long, with nothing to turn to but the idea of making a crocheted lizard.

Slutting it out can seem like a good thing to do after a break-up, but you should think of its new illegal status as a blessing in disguise. Often it's just a way to briefly distract yourself before you return to gazing at the sky and writing poems about how it’s the same pewter colour as your bruised heart. Rupi Kaur wants you to stop copying her when you do that. She does. She told me.

Lastly, for what it’s worth, the BSOYLG (Best Sex of Your Life Guy) is not the one you want to end up with. In my experience, that guy works at Deloitte, and says things like ‘I was c*nted last night on VKs’. God, I’m shuddering.

Bella Hull is a comedian and writer who lives in London. As a former ugly child, Bella performs her jokes all around the western world in the hopes that people will like her. She is the owner of a siamese cat and one million embarrassing memories.

Got an issue of your own? Ask Bella a question here.